Barcelona’s Professional Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore

By Faisal.

One of the best backline of all times: Alves, Alex Song, Javier Mascherano and Adriano. They aren’t regular starters, they are back ups, but back up of the greatest defense line up you can ever come up: Dani Alves (certainly not in his peak in recent times and stay in opponent’s half most of the time), Carlos Puyol (34 years old and certainly struggling physically), Gerard Pique (poor form since quite a while now), Adriano and Jordi Alba.

'Defend what?! I can't listen!'

(To understand the paragraph above, you have to know what sarcasm is.)

Puyol is definitely one of best defenders of all time, but you have to admit that age is catching up on him. He can’t carry this huge task of defending all alone. We need to realize that this 34-years old man needs some rest, and we saw many examples of how he got injured in recent times. Well, I’m not saying that he is finished, but he’s certainly not in his psychical peak condition anymore. Furthermore, another great warrior, Abidal, retired because of his Liver transplant – so they needed at least two defenders, and one of them should have been a center back. 

Everyone was thinking Barcelona were going to sign a center-back, as a Puyol’s backup. But what did they do? They trolled the whole football world by signing another midfielder (Alex Song) and a left back (Jordi Alba).

Well, at least Barcelona thought they trolled us – Football fans – big time, but now it looks like they trolled themselves by not signing a center-back.

No backup for an aging and injured Puyol – just no. They swore not to buy any back up for Puyol, as they may think it be insult for Puyol.

Instead they bought a ‘defensive’ midfielder with no tactical and positional awareness – yes, they bought another midfielder; an area which is already so overpopulated that a World-class player like Cesc is warming the bench.

Biggest Part Of Barca's Professional Joke

To solve this problem Barcelona came up with an ingenious idea: make Alex Song a defender as a backup of any of the only two existing CB, Puyol and Pique. Isn’t that hilarious? Barcelona thought so.

Oh, they did spend to buy another player: Jordi Alba, Spain’s best left-back.

The question is did they need him? Yes, they did as Abidal has retired. But did they need an attacking left-back (when they already have an attacking right-back) more than a center-back? No.

Read the statement below which Barcelona released to explain why they bought another midfielder instead of a center-back:

“The world is surely going through a tough time. Everywhere there is sadness and depression, and so, as the greatest club we are, we decided to do something for this world – to make it happier.

 “We will make a really professional joke, which will leave people in awe at first and later they will just laugh till they pooped in their pants. So here is what we did and what we want to do: we bought another midfielder, Song, instead of a center-back, in an already overpopulated midfield, and then made him play as defender. Now, we intend to play him and Mascherano or Busquets as central defenders. 

“This will make people laugh as, for sure, those midfielders will make stupid mistake when they play as defenders. Just think how funny it will be to watch when our defender will also try to dribble past opponents as they have the DNA’s of midfielders? How beautiful and surprising it will be to watch an empty defense as our beloved Dani will be in the opponent’s half trying to assist/score more goals rather than defending, Mascherano will move too his natural ‘midfield’ position by habit, Alex and Adriano, both, will fly to attack? Isn’t that wonderful? It will be really funny for spectators to watch.

“By the way, in the near future, we will buy Neymar and make him the goalkeeper and he will be given permission to attack and dribble past opposition players – and will certainly get the ball away from Di Maria, unlike Valdes.”

'My ball control's better than Valdes!' | Barca's Future Goalkeeper

The blue plan of Barcelona was to make a little professional joke for the sake of this world. But unfortunately, it’s not funny anymore.

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Note: The ‘statement’ of Barca was a pure work of imagination. Barca didn’t, actually, release any statement like that for real, this was just made up for humour purposes.

Extracts From The Secret Diary Of Nicklas Bendtner….

By Umid Dey.

August 18, 2012.

7 am. I wake up from sleep. The first things I see after opening my eyes everyday are posters of Nicklas Bendtner with a caption of ‘The Best In The World’ all around my room.

I wake up pleased. Everyday.

But today, I was extra-pleased because tonight my Club Arsenal will be playing Real Madrid – one of the best teams in the World – and I am going to be in the starting XI. Only a foolish manager would leave out his best player when his team is playing against the best team in the World.

August 19, 2012.

I was too tired to write about last night’s game last night itself; after all, I scored 5 goals against Real Madrid to help Arsenal win 5-4 after being 4-0 down at half-time. So I was tired; tired of carrying Arsenal on my back – but, they don’t call me The Great Dane for no reason.

I not only scored 5 goals, but I assisted 5 of them as well. I didn’t allow Szczesny to take goal-kicks because, if he did, the assists would have been his. So I took the goal-kicks myself by shooting the ball in the air and then running to reach the place where the ball would land, receive it, dribble past my opponents, and then score.

For my 5th goal, I actually told my team-mates, including Szczesny, to stand in my way while I am dribbling so that I would dribble past all 21 players on the pitch and then score. And that’s exactly what happened: I dribbled past 21 players, then went past the referee, then nutmegged my own self by slowly pushing the ball and quickly standing in front of it to let it roll between my legs and then scoring.

I went past all 22 players on the pitch – including myself – and 23 men to score the greatest goal of all time. Only Nicklas Bendter can go past Nicklas Bendtner with the ball - I am just too awesome.

Once Mourinho said that 5-4 is a “disgraceful” score-line in a 11v11 game and that he sends his players back to the dressing rooms, as they are not defending properly, if the score-line reaches 5-4 in a 3v3 training match. I wonder what he did to his players last night after they conceded 5.

They once conceded 5 against Barcelona, too, but conceding 5 against Barcelona and conceding 5 against a team that has Nicklas Bendtner – the best in the World – in it is 2 very different things.

Barcelona didn’t have me – Nicklas Bendtner – so it’s not understandable to concede 5 against them. After all, who did Barca have in that game? Lionel Messi? Andres Iniesta? David Villa? Meh. These are players who are not even fit to tie the laces of my boots – you get these players in every street of Denmark.

However, last night was different. Real conceded against me. They should, and must, be happy that they were blessed enough to concede 5 against the best in the World. If Mourinho didn’t do anything to his players after they conceded 5 against Barca, then he must have partied last night after conceding 5 against me as he conceded way less than he expected.

Anyways, after the match, Wenger came to me and told that I was excellent and bla bla… the usual stuff to make me feel good. I don’t know what kind of an idiot he is because even after being with me for so many years, he doesn’t realise that I always feel good about myself, regardless of whether I get praised or not.

A reporter came to me and asked me how I felt scoring 5 against a great team like Real. I replied, “It was easy, a piece of cake. Scoring goals have always been as easy as walking in the park for me; whether it is against Real Madrid or any other team.” (I know that this is my diary and thus putting my own words in quotes may have baffled you, but guess what; this is cool – the guys you see doing the same with their tweets on Twitter or comments/statuses on Facebook got that from me. This is called ‘being awesome’.)

I went to the dressing room and got a hero’s welcome. The new guy Cazorla came to me and said that he never had a team-mate who made such good use of his passes. I replied to him, “that’s because you never had Nicklas Bendtner as your team-mate”. (Again, I’m being awesome.)

Now you must be wondering when did Arsenal play against Real Madrid. They played Sunderland on August 18, not Real Madrid, you must be shouting in your head.

Well, that’s in your inferior Universe – the Universe which everyone sees. In your Universe, Arsenal played Sunderland and drew 0-0. But in that superior Universe, Arsenal played Real Madrid and I scored 5.

That superior Universe is located in a blissful place called ‘The Mind Of Nicklas Bendtner’. You have to be Nicklas Bendtner to see what is happening in that Universe and God has made just one Nicklas Bendtner – and that’s me – so only I can see that Universe. No-one else can.

So all of you mere mortals: be pleased by being and seeing this inferior Universe and I, on the other hand, will be owning that superior Universe by my breath-taking, jaw-dropping and eye-popping Football skills – and you won’t be able to see that.

“HAHAHAHAHAHA,” I laugh at you all.

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Note: This is just a satirical article and isn't Nicklas Bendtner's real diary - this is just intended for fun purposes and not to offend Bendtner or anyone mentioned in this article.

Why Arsenal should keep Theo Walcott on the bench

By Abhinav.

The following piece has nothing to do with Theo’s quality or that the act of being put on the bench as a punishment for not agreeing to a contract extension is right. In fact, it’s praising Arsene Wenger for keeping Walcott on the bench in Arsenal’s last two games – something which will get the best out of him.

Making the transition from a squad player into an impact sub into a first teamer – most notably, since the 2010-2011 season began – Theo has come a long way ever since signing for Arsenal in 2006 as a 16 year old.

Young Walcott At Southampton

He came with a lot of expectations due to his price tag along with the media hype and Sven Goran Eriksson calling him up to the England squad for the 2006 World Cup didn’t exactly help his development as a teenager:

Walcott In The 2006 World Cip

“My opportunity to do my growing up as a footballer out of the spotlight had disappeared for ever. I couldn’t now learn on the undercard of a bill, like a young fighter making his way through the ranks. I was still a raw novice but I had to accept that I was also one of the headline acts. It didn’t matter whether I liked it or not. I just had to get on with it.”

Known for his blistering pace and yet, terrible final ball and inconsistency, Theo has shown more of his ‘football brain’ in recent seasons on the wings despite claiming he is best utilized in the center forward role. The England international was the most productive English winger last season while also directly contributing to 46 goals in the last two seasons prior to the 2012/2013 season.

However, he can be complacent and invisible at times – mainly due to the fact that he knew he wasn’t going to be dropped for a declined Andrei Arshavin. But with the rise of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, an adapted Gervinho along with the signing of forward, Lukas Podolski – equally adept at playing on the left – Walcott has a fight on his hands to even get on the bench.
Having reportedly rejected a new contract extension at Arsenal worth around £75,000 per week, asking for £100,000 per week in the process, Arsene Wenger has opted to keep Theo despite his contract running out this summer. £100,000 is a large salary, especially for an inconsistent 24 year old, considering the fact that players like Mikel Arteta and Santi Cazorla earn less.

 Ever since those contract talks reportedly ended, Theo has been kept on the bench for the away games vs Stoke City and Liverpool, not featuring in the latter 2-0 win. He isn’t expected to start the game against Southampton either – and this is perfectly fine.
Being on the bench frustrates players – it certainly frustrated Walcott when he was on the bench for the game against Barcelona in the Champions League in 2010 as he wrote in his book. Benched players deliver their utmost best as they have to make an impression to their managers, working twice as hard.

Walcott is deadlier as an impact substitute anyway as whom better to bring on in the 60^th minute against tiring defenders than a speed merchant like Walcott? Barcelona wouldn’t be able to answer that for you.

It is debateable but Walcott’s best performances have come on the global stage, notably, as a substitute. Three games come to mind; his cameo against Liverpool in the 2008 quarterfinals of the Champions League where he made a sensational run from inside his own half into the Liverpool box before finally assisting Emmanuel Adebayor. 

Another was his substitute appearance against Barcelona in the 2010 Champions League quarterfinals when Arsenal were trailing 2-0 at the Emirates, only for Walcott to come on and change the game with his pace, ultimately scoring a goal as Arsenal eventually pegged Barcelona back 2-2.

"I can only speak from experience but he [Theo Walcott] was one of the most dangerous players I have ever played against." - Lionel Messi.

And lastly, a more recent example – England’s EURO 2012 group stage game with Sweden, where the three lions were losing 2-1, only for Walcott to come on and score an equalizer while terrorizing the Swedish defense with his pace, and assisting Danny Welbeck for the eventual winner.

Defenders can prepare knowing Walcott will start as he’s not the best at utilizing his pace to get past players and can be contained more or less very easily, however, coming off the bench, he would be a deadly asset as tiring defenders wouldn’t be able to cope with him nor would they bomb forward knowing there’s a legitimate counter attacking threat.

Walcott may not be the best technical player but he is certainly a game changer – an enigma as seen by the 5-2 win over Tottenham in late February 2012. After being wanted off by Arsenal fans by halftime, the former Southampton man scored twice in the second half compounding Spurs’ misery.

Arsene Wenger would want to keep Walcott following the end of this season and the Englishman would be even more deadly coming off the bench for more reasons than one.

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Barclays Premier League 2012-13 Preview

by Shubham Mazumdar. 

After the incredible battle at the top of the 2011-12 EPL table between Manchester United and Manchester City, followed by Aguero’s last gasp winner for Manchester City on the final day of last season somehow made sure that when it comes to competition, Premier League keeps you at the edge of your seats.

With the 2012/13 season already here, I look at each team’s prospects for the campaign ahead.

Arsenal

While their captain Robin van Persie left for one of their biggest rivals, the Arsenal fans can still cherish the fact that Wenger was able to grab Lukas Podolski, Olivier Giroud and Santi Cazorla. But here is also an obvious question-mark about how quickly they can adjust to the Premier League. 

Arsenal's biggest concern last season was their shabby defence, which is basically because of the disastrous injury list that almost derailed their season, but seems like the lesson learned from last season can work out for them and make the Gunners a sturdier looking unit this time, conceding no goals in the 3 games they have played so far – the only team in the Premier League to yet to concede. Steve Bould, new Arsenal assistant manager, effect.

Arsenal's Saviour?

If the new trio is able to gel in time, and if a certain Jack Wilshere can return back from injury, Arsenal can give the top contenders a run for their money - and, who knows, even win a title as they have the Spanish talisman Santi Cazorla in their team.

Aston Villa

After a poor season under Alex McLeish, Paul Lambert now gets his chance to turn the club’s fortunes around. Bent's absence through injury for much of the second half of last season almost cost Villa their place in the Premier League. With a fit Darren Bent in the side, the side will look more confident than ever. 

 "There's real optimism about the season ahead," Darren Bent said after reporting back for pre-season. "We felt it in our first session when [the manager] came in and told us how he wanted to play. It was great because he said he wanted us to play with real freedom. He wants us to be an attacking outfit… he wants us to have a right good go at every single team. That's how it should be."

A lot will be expected from Charles N’Zogbia and Stephen Ireland, as well as the impact of new boy Ron Vlaar, signed from Feyernoord. Looks like a top half finish won't be a tough ask this time.

Chelsea

The champions of Europe and winners of the FA Cup look much stronger this season after the addition of the likes of Eden Hazrd, Marko Marin & Oscar. Fernando Torres seems to be on the rise again, and might even prove his critics wrong if he manages to bring out the old Nino back. 

Chelsea's Stars

Defense can be a problem for them – their display against a much more composed side Athletico Madrid in the Euro Super Cup was a testament to that. Terry will be missing a month or two because of the ban imposed by FA for the Anton Ferdinand fiasco and that would hurt Chelsea even more as their a little thin in the defense area.

Will Roberto di Matteo keep his job, come season end? That would be interesting to see. A top three finish seems probable – but not winning a title with this team would be a huge disappointment for Chelsea fans. 

Everton

Despite the exits of Tim Cahill and Jack Rodwell, Nikica Jelavic  and Marouane Fellaini will still be the key players for the club, and players like Tim Howard, Phil Jagielka and Leighton Baines will be crucial for the tough season up ahead.

Premier League's Finest

Ross Barkley will surely benefit after the departure of Rodwell, who first burst onto the scene at the beginning of last season with a series of good match displays.

Although Everton were let down badly by their away form last season where they managed to win just five games on their travels all season, they look like a top eight team again - and a lot depends on their best player, Marouane Fellaini - arguably the best box-to-box midfielder in the Premier League after Yaya Toure.

Liverpool

The appointment of Brendan Rodgers seems like a good move, and with new additions like Joe Allen, Borini and Nuri Sahin to the squad, they should be a match for anyone.

Inspite of being hampered by injuries, Kop hero and Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard still is the key man.  Suarez is also a key payer, but his poor finishing of late is costing Liverpool points. Raheem Sterling is promising, and someone to watch out for.

Nuri Sahin is also there to provide Liverpool with creativity from deep. He might have looked lost in his first game, but once he settles into the pace of the league; he will do wonders for Liverpool. Also, the injury of Lucas has once again given Liverpool a huge blow – Lucas was the perfect partner for Nuri Sahin.

Squad depth can be a problem for the Reds; top four is out of the question! Maybe?

Manchester City

Title Defenders will be looking for another successful season up ahead. The richest club in the Premier League, they are possibly the best club in England now, so the old accusations of players only being lured by City’s wealth and bulging pay packets would no longer hold true as the appeal of playing for the champions would now outweigh the financial gains. 

If Mancini is able to keep egos in check, the Citizens can be unparalleled throughout the season. The form and confidence of Carlos Tevez and Mario Balotelli will be a big influence. 

Midfield Dynamo

With the addition of Javi Garcia and Rodwell, the team looks better in their defensive aspect, and it won't be shocking if they are successful in retaining the title eventually. However, they still lack a deep-lying playmaker who would give creativity from deep – a deep-lying playmaker isn’t a necessity to win the Premier League, but a player like that is needed in the Champions League.

Manchester United

In this, the 20th season of the Premier League, it is worth noting that only on three occasions have United finished outside of the top two and never lower than third, compelling evidence of their enduring class and title threat. 

With the addition of big players like Robin Van Persie and Bundesliga Player of the Season Shinji Kagawa, they are still the biggest threat to City's title defending campaign.

Already United's Best Player

Vidic's return is a lift, but there are questions over just about everyone else in defence. Rio and Evra are ageing, and Evans and De Gea need to mature. Butner isn't an answer for the left back position as well.

Towards the end of last season, Rooney reveled in the No.10 role, playing just off Hernandez in a position that allowed him to exert more influence and dictate the flow of games.

 He is likely to play a similar role this season, particularly in Europe, after he returns from injury.  Eleven men take the field, but, more so than ever, Ferguson is United’s most important player this season. Title contenders for sure!

Tottenham Hotspur

The Whites were ignored a champions league spot last season, after Chelsea’s heroics in the competition, despite finishing 4^th in the table. For many fans of other clubs, the removal of Harry Redknapp as Tottenham’s manager was almost a suicidal decision, but when André Villas-Boas was presented to the media on 11 July he talked of the need to "complete" the squad.

Early summer signings of Gylfi Sigurdsson and Jan Vertonghen were brilliant piece of business done by the Portuguese, thus adding depth in defence and midfield, even if they do have worryingly few options up front. Defoe and Adebayor will be key players, along with high flying Gareth Bale.

Dembele - Spurs' New Key Man

Luka Modric will be thoroughly missed, Scott Parker is a long-term injury casualty – and this is where Sandro; a guy with a lot of talent and huge potential, gets his chance to prove his worth.

After being spoilt in the last few seasons, the fans would love a trophy, be it the Europa League, The FA Cup or the League Cup. 5 of the last seven season have seen them finish in the top five of the Premiership, including finishing fourth twice in the last 3 seasons. Same will be expected this time around, especially after signing quality players like Hugo Lloris, Dempsey and Dembele on deadline day.

QPR

 Hughes brought in defender Nedum Onuoha as well as forwards Djibril Cisse and Bobby Zamora during the January transfer window and all of those players contributed to the club's success at the end of the season. With players like Esteban Granero, Park Ji Sung, Fabio, and Robert Green, the squad looks roaring to be the surprise package this season.

Newcastle United

Having lost four key players since his appointment in January 2011 – Joey Barton, Andy Carroll, Jose Enrique and Kevin Nolan – Pardew did a magnificent job, with the help of chief scout Graham Carr, to rebuild the side. Cheik Tioté will be the man to watch out for this season. However, with Chelsea and Spurs strengthening, it will be very hard for Newcastle to repeat their heroics of last season. Newcastle United will enjoy a top-half finish this season. 

Stoke City

They won’t change. They will keep playing those long-balls, they will keep playing rough and they will keep angering their opposition teams. Playing Stoke has never been easy for other team. This year, it will be harder to beat them as they are looking to add creativity (sort of), signing of Charlie Adam is a signal to that, to their tough style of play. It is already hard to handle the physical play of Stoke, add a little bit of creativity to that and they become a stronger team. Top 10 finish is on the cards.

Swansea

Laudrup was considered not just among the best of his generation, but among the best of all time. A great passer of the ball himself, he will be looking to keep the main focus on the team's passing. When team's play the possession game, it all starts with the center midfielders. Britton may be feeling a bit lonely when the season starts due to Joe Allen and Gylfi Sigurdsson's departures, but Swansea had a great transfer window where they bought a lot of players, with Michu (4 goals in 3 games already; all of them playing as a midfielder) and Pablo Hernandez being the big name ones. Swansea are going to the surprise package of this season and ruling them out of European spots contention would be a mistake. 

West Ham 

They have strengthened greatly over the transfer window by signing players like Matt Jarvis, Yossi Benayoun and Andy Carroll. Yossi will give them the creative edge they needed since….well…Yossi left in 2007. Andy Carroll gives them that huge presence in the box and in Jarvis, Andy gets a great partner as Matt Jarvis is a very good crosser of the ball. There’s no way that West Ham are getting relegated this season.

Fulham have considerably weakened themselves by selling 2 of their best players; Dembele and Dempsey. They have, however, signed Berbatov and if the Bulgarian gets back to his best under Martin Jol – the man under whom he played of his best Football – and if Bryan Ruiz does what he is capable of, then Fulham will comfortably finish mid-table. However, there are no ifs and buts in life, so it will be very hard for Fulham in the Premier League this season.

Wigan are the trolls of the Premier League. Always seem like they will relegated, but then in the end, they will somehow escape relegation by winning against team who they, on paper, don’t even have a chance to get a result out. Roberto Martinez is a good manager and will once again save Wigan from getting relegated.

Southampton have won a lot of admirers in the 3 games they have played, but they are yet get a point in the Premier League. They played both United and City and almost beat them. They were leading in both games, but then due to loss of concentration in defending, they lost out eventually. With a bit more luck, and more concentration while defending a lead, they can surely avoid relegation.

West Brom, Sunderland, Reading and Norwich will all be fighting to avoid relegation – this is going to be a very long and hard season for these teams.  

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