Tuesday 18 September 2012

Extracts From The Secret Diary Of Nicklas Bendtner….

By Umid Dey.
August 18, 2012.
7 am. I wake up from sleep. The first things I see after opening my eyes everyday are posters of Nicklas Bendtner with a caption of ‘The Best In The World’ all around my room.


I wake up pleased. Everyday.
But today, I was extra-pleased because tonight my Club Arsenal will be playing Real Madrid – one of the best teams in the World – and I am going to be in the starting XI. Only a foolish manager would leave out his best player when his team is playing against the best team in the World.
August 19, 2012.
I was too tired to write about last night’s game last night itself; after all, I scored 5 goals against Real Madrid to help Arsenal win 5-4 after being 4-0 down at half-time. So I was tired; tired of carrying Arsenal on my back – but, they don’t call me The Great Dane for no reason.
I not only scored 5 goals, but I assisted 5 of them as well. I didn’t allow Szczesny to take goal-kicks because, if he did, the assists would have been his. So I took the goal-kicks myself by shooting the ball in the air and then running to reach the place where the ball would land, receive it, dribble past my opponents, and then score.
For my 5th goal, I actually told my team-mates, including Szczesny, to stand in my way while I am dribbling so that I would dribble past all 21 players on the pitch and then score. And that’s exactly what happened: I dribbled past 21 players, then went past the referee, then nutmegged my own self by slowly pushing the ball and quickly standing in front of it to let it roll between my legs and then scoring.
I went past all 22 players on the pitch – including myself – and 23 men to score the greatest goal of all time. Only Nicklas Bendter can go past Nicklas Bendtner with the ball - I am just too awesome.
Once Mourinho said that 5-4 is a “disgraceful” score-line in a 11v11 game and that he sends his players back to the dressing rooms, as they are not defending properly, if the score-line reaches 5-4 in a 3v3 training match. I wonder what he did to his players last night after they conceded 5.
They once conceded 5 against Barcelona, too, but conceding 5 against Barcelona and conceding 5 against a team that has Nicklas Bendtner – the best in the World – in it is 2 very different things.
Barcelona didn’t have me – Nicklas Bendtner – so it’s not understandable to concede 5 against them. After all, who did Barca have in that game? Lionel Messi? Andres Iniesta? David Villa? Meh. These are players who are not even fit to tie the laces of my boots – you get these players in every street of Denmark.
However, last night was different. Real conceded against me. They should, and must, be happy that they were blessed enough to concede 5 against the best in the World. If Mourinho didn’t do anything to his players after they conceded 5 against Barca, then he must have partied last night after conceding 5 against me as he conceded way less than he expected.
Anyways, after the match, Wenger came to me and told that I was excellent and bla bla… the usual stuff to make me feel good. I don’t know what kind of an idiot he is because even after being with me for so many years, he doesn’t realise that I always feel good about myself, regardless of whether I get praised or not.
A reporter came to me and asked me how I felt scoring 5 against a great team like Real. I replied, “It was easy, a piece of cake. Scoring goals have always been as easy as walking in the park for me; whether it is against Real Madrid or any other team.” (I know that this is my diary and thus putting my own words in quotes may have baffled you, but guess what; this is cool – the guys you see doing the same with their tweets on Twitter or comments/statuses on Facebook got that from me. This is called ‘being awesome’.)
I went to the dressing room and got a hero’s welcome. The new guy Cazorla came to me and said that he never had a team-mate who made such good use of his passes. I replied to him, “that’s because you never had Nicklas Bendtner as your team-mate”. (Again, I’m being awesome.)
Now you must be wondering when did Arsenal play against Real Madrid. They played Sunderland on August 18, not Real Madrid, you must be shouting in your head.
Well, that’s in your inferior Universe – the Universe which everyone sees. In your Universe, Arsenal played Sunderland and drew 0-0. But in that superior Universe, Arsenal played Real Madrid and I scored 5.
That superior Universe is located in a blissful place called ‘The Mind Of Nicklas Bendtner’. You have to be Nicklas Bendtner to see what is happening in that Universe and God has made just one Nicklas Bendtner – and that’s me – so only I can see that Universe. No-one else can.
So all of you mere mortals: be pleased by being and seeing this inferior Universe and I, on the other hand, will be owning that superior Universe by my breath-taking, jaw-dropping and eye-popping Football skills – and you won’t be able to see that.
“HAHAHAHAHAHA,” I laugh at you all.

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Note: This is just a satirical article and isn't Nicklas Bendtner's real diary - this is just intended for fun purposes and not to offend Bendtner or anyone mentioned in this article.

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